Even When You’re Not Happy…You Can Still Be All This Other Stuff.
If you’re happy and you know it…okay, yes, go ahead and clap your hands so we can see where you are, and come over and ask you how you’re managing to do this. These are not happy times. It’s not impossible to be happy in unhappy times, but it is a challenge and a bit of an enigma. I can’t help but wonder if expecting happiness right now might be just a little unrealistic, maybe even cruel.
Here's a thought: What if we saw happiness as a “nice to have” or a long-term goal, instead of a necessary milestone? What if we appreciated it when it happened, but didn’t beat ourselves up when it didn’t? What if we enjoyed it, but didn’t expect it, at least not all the time, and not in circumstances that seem to negate it? What else is there?
Even in happier times, happiness is a slippery little bar of soap. It’s a struggle to balance our own happiness with that of others. It’s hard to tell short-term from long-term happiness. Happiness is so often tied to privilege, to material wealth, to things we just don’t have access to. We punish ourselves when we can’t change our circumstances sufficiently to find happiness. We feel shame when we can’t talk ourselves into getting and staying happy amid tumult. Happiness is complex and fleeting, sometimes inaccessible, and notoriously difficult to fake. It’s difficult to set ourselves up for success if we see happiness as a necessity.
Okay, now you’re ready to throw something at me. You’re picturing me in a lime-green onesie, festering in a cave, and preparing to steal from the Whos down in Whoville. Hear me out. What if there were other things besides happiness that were equally satisfying and fulfilling, and much more attainable? What if there were positive states of being, frames of mind that were doable, regardless of the mess going on around us? What if, instead of fixating on happiness, we aimed to cultivate things like:
Wonder and curiosity? Even in the direst conditions, these are readily available. They can be as private or as shared as we wish them to be. They can happen in short bursts, or over long periods of time. They can be applied to any area of our lives. Wondering and being curious have the marvellous side effect of making us feel both humble and important at the same time, and they don’t require us to be happy.
Creativity and productivity? It probably seems dismissive to tell someone just to keep busy, to go make or try something new, but it kind of works. I’m not talking about them in a hyper-capitalist, “keep grinding” sense. I mean any activity, big or small, that reassures us that we’re capable, resourceful, motivated, clever and unique. Still no happiness required.
Connection? Hasn’t it long been said that misery loves company? What if we focused on not being alone, on feeling part of something bigger than ourselves? What if connection extended to the non-human world too, to our environment and others who inhabit it? What if this led to us being better communicators, and being more empathetic? This can also happen without us being happy.
Contentment and peace? I’m not talking about settling, giving up, or crapping out. These are both ways of accepting the “good enough” parts of our lives, of pausing and taking a breath now and then, and neither means that we’re stuck. They also don’t mean we must be happy.
It’s worth noting that while none of these ways of being are the same as happiness, they could still overlap with happiness, maybe even contribute to it. Each is a beautiful end in itself, as well as a means to other things. They’re all pretty darn satisfying too, enough so that one might argue that even if life isn’t wildly happy, it could still be incredibly meaningful if it were lived in pursuit of some combination of these things. If they’re just pitstops on the way to being happy, or an interesting complement to happiness, that’s totally cool. They all still require effort and attention, but they’re closer within reach than happiness, and are much more accessible and easier to maintain.
But don’t happy people do happy things for the world? That’s a whole other can of worms, but maybe yes, maybe no. I feel more confident in saying that curious, wondering, creative, productive, connected, content and peaceful people send out positive ripples. I think we, both individually and collectively, can be unhappy and still make progress in these other areas. We can at least temper our expectations and weather some awful storms if we set our sights on some combination of other things.
Please don’t misunderstand, I really do like being happy. Happy’s great. Rainbow sprinkles and puppy dog cuddles all around! I do, however, have this pesky thing where I only like being authentically happy. No faking or forcing allowed. I can’t accept that it’s a choice between sheer bliss or utter despair. Sometimes I’m just not happy, especially when things around me are lousy. I’m not balled up like a sock, I’m still living my life, finding my way in the world. There’s still stuff for me to do, stuff for me to be, even when I’m not happy.
If and when you do find yourself happy, congratulations! Nothing wrong with that. But if, in this strange and unpredictable timeline, you feel yourself unable to keep a gooey smile plastered on your face and a song in your heart, don’t sweat it. There’s an entire menu of other goals and pursuits to fill the gaps, that also feel decidedly wonderful, and that will also help you grow and perhaps even thrive in whatever is to come.